


Ma'am That Much Esspresso Could Kill You

by Caubool



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Documentation, F/F, Gen, Heroes and Villains, Internet, Light Angst, M/M, Minimum Wage Job, Starbucks, Twitter, YouTube, no beta we die like men, romance is not the focus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27373000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caubool/pseuds/Caubool
Summary: A new country, a new job, a new chance to prove himself once and for all! Jake English is ready to tackle being a teenager, all the strings attached! A group of close friends in a chat together? Got it! Loving family there for the ups and the downs? Already in the bag! A secret plot to rule the world being brewed under his nose while the trust from others he held so dearly gets strained farther than ever before under influence of real actual villainy? Well sure toss that on in!Cue the laughtrack and set the stage! The world won't know what hit it!--wTTf: Oh god the Karen in line is stopping bag lady. Place your bets folks guess what's coming next.Pog Champ: dirk r u gonna like??? help??????wTTf: Jake's got this.Pog Champ: i cant belibebe ur sacrificin him
Relationships: Jade Harley/Aradia Megido, Jake English & Dirk Strider, Jake English & Roxy Lalonde, Jane Crocker & Jake English & Roxy Lalonde & Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Kudos: 4





	Ma'am That Much Esspresso Could Kill You

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is mostly group chats and twitter updates, there will be prose later down the line, but if chatfics ain't your thing I'm sorry. Don't mind the tags.
> 
> Key:  
> Pog City: Roxy  
> avatar is a masterpiec: Jake  
> wTTf: Dirk  
> Janey: Jane
> 
> Twitter handles should be self explanatory d;

#general -- We Be Related Server

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : You guys!!!!!!!! I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Pog City** : whatd u do??? :eye::mouth::eye: 

**wTTf** : Did you make a friend at school?

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : No!! I am still super lonely!!   
**avatar is a masterpiec** : But im lonely with a job!!!!

 **Pog City** : OMG!!! CONGRATS!!!!!

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Thank you! Gosh im so excited to work! Ive got a job! Im a normal teen!!!!!!!!

 **wTTf** : Since when have you been a "normal teen". 

**avatar is a masterpiec** : Whatever i still have a job!

 **Pog City** : get that bread!!!1! that ****dough****!!!!!

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Im gonna get it!

 **wTTf** : How the hell did you land a job?   
**wTTf** : Is it at the zoo or something?

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : With a fucking amazing resume not to toot my own horn.  
 **avatar is a masterpiec** : And youll have to guess! But its not the zoo.

 **Janey** : Um...  
 **Janey** : Is it at a mall?

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Nope!

 **wTTf** : Do you understand how killer it would be if you worked at Hot Topic? Whatever job you have now, it can't be better than Hot Topic.   
**wTTf** : Oh my god what if you got one of those Hot Topic lanyards and you put all your dumb movie buttons on it. The JockTM helping lonely goths find the newest Rick and Morty shirt. Jake, I would _*kill*_ to see you working in Hot Topic. 

**avatar** is **a masterpiec** : Maybe dont do that?   
**avatar is a masterpiec** : Because im not working at hot topic because im not working at the mall!   
**avatar is a masterpiec** : Try again! With less murder please. 

**Pog City** : weeeelllllll  
 **Pog City** : ur supes excited ab it so it can only b the most clice place 4 u to be workin at   
**Pog City** : five buckaroonies says u got a job at star bucks B) 

**wTTf** : No way.

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Yes way!!! Roxy got it bang on!!

 **Pog City** : FUCK YEA

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Roxy is my new favourite strilonde!! They just know everything all the time. 

**Pog City** : DOUBLE FUCK YEAAAAA

 **Janey** : Congratulations on your job!

 **wTTf** : Wait no we can't have two people working at Starbucks. 

**avatar is a masterpiec** : Why not?

 **wTTf** : Because then our funny work stories would overlap. 

**Jake's Favorite** : dont underestimate the amount of whackos who jones around star bucks   
**Jake's Favorite** : theres some actual crimes committed!  
 **Jake's Favorite:** i mean like petty theft idk ab any murders or anything thats a bit too far even for the great star buck herself 

**wTTf** : There's only so much someone can say about weird customers ordering coffee. 

**avatar is a masterpiec** : Thats very true!   
**avatar is a masterpie** c: Dont worry i probably wont have any cool stories to share. It would be terrible to get into an argument with a customer. I honestly dont know if i would survive it!

 **Jake's Favorite** : the second some karen yells at u u melt into the floor

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Am puddel.... :pensive:

 **Jake's Favorite** : r poodle............... :pensive::pensive::pensive:

 **Janey** : I'm sure you can be un-puddled! Those darned Karens won't know what smacked them! Uh. Won't know what shot? Them? 

**wTTf** : I'm fairly certain bringing a gun to work is against Starbucks law. 

**avatar is a masterpiec** : Aw really? :( 

**wTTf** : _*Yes*_.   
**wTTf** : Did you honestly expect that glocks are part of the uniform when serving up seriously mediocre joe?

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : A little yes!   
**avatar is a masterpiec** : You cant blame me for thinking so! This *is* america were talking about.

 **Janey** : Oh, um. That. Well, still! It's considered very unprofessional! 

**Jake's Favorite** : literally y tho  
 **Jake's Favorite** : texas is a free carry state yea???

 **wTTf** : You need a permit for that.

 **Janey** : And even then taking a firearm in to your work place could get you fired! On the spot!

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Oh no! I dont want to be fired. ):  
 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Okay okay i wont take my guns into work unless its a dire emergency!

 **Jake's Favorite** : like if a stiffy muscle dude starts threatening u

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : Yes! Or if the apocalypse stars i think thatd be an ok time to bring in my guns to starbucks.

 **wTTf** : Just don't bring your guns out in public anywhere please.  
 **wTTf** : You're a minor and probably don't even have a liscence to own guns in the first place.

 **Janey** : Yes I am all for not carrying guns at all! You like Katniss Everdeen right? Maybe you could carry a bow instead?

 **avatar is a masterpiec** : 0: 

**Jake's Favorite** : OMG JANEY THATS A GREAT IDEA

 **wTTf** : No, no no no we're not doing this.  
 **wTTf** : Guys please we can't walk around downtown carrying a _*bow and quiver_ *. The police are going to be extremely suspicious. 

**avatar is a masterpiec** : Fuck cops!

 **Janey** : Let's not? Start up on the police? Again?

 **Jake's Favorite** : _*****FUCK COPS!!!!!!*****_

\- - - - - - - -

 **stan marvel boycot disney** @ectoBiologist  
new video up now!! collab with @turntechGodhead on the horizon ;B  
|  
 **dave strider yo** @turntechGodhead  
oh my god egbert you dont just tell people about a collab  
|  
 **stan marvel boycot disney** @ectoBiologist  
good luck convincing people this wasnt staged!  
|  
 **dave strider yo** @turntechGodhead  
im legit going to throttle you holy shit

**Rose Lalonde** @tentacleTherapist  
Just because it is 3 am that does not give people reason to give you confused glances when you are raiding the local vending machine.  
|  
 **dave strider yo** @turntechGodhead  
ok but did you get the twix you wanted   
|  
 **Rose Lalonde** @tentacleTherapist   
No. <3

**miss harley!!!** @gardenGnostic  
remember the wise words of mr. science guy!!   
|  
 **stan marvel boycot disney** @ectoBiologist  
which ones :O   
|  
 **miss harley!!!** @gardenGnostic  
the world is on fucking fire!! heres a list of the coal and oil ceos!  
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2013/nov/20/90-companies-man-made-global-warming-emissions-climate-change

**Rose Lalonde** @tentacleTherapist  
Out of curiosity, how many people that follow me are older than 40 years?  
|  
 **dave strider yo** @turntechGodhead  
this poll is rigged  
|  
 **Rose Lalonde** @tentacleTherapist  
Get out of my posts, this doesn't concern you.  
|  
 **dave strider yo** @turntechGodhead  
buy my silence

\- - - - - - - -

Date: 5/22/20XX Saturday

Things are progressing as scheduled, no recent outbursts. Recent stress from change in location, especially on such a major scale, has thankfully not taken hold yet. I expect them to emerge within the year at least. More variables have been added to the equation and stress will be higher than ever. English got a job, with all luck he won't start the end of the world over spilt coffee or rude customers.

I am keeping a close eye on the other pins as well. Thankfully, no one seems to know what I'm up to and indulges my questions without any of their own. I'm very thankful for their love for me in times like this. It reminds me why I'm doing all this. And I'll write it down here to remind myself once more. This is for the good of humanity. Any and all reservations I might have based on emotion are trivial compared to the end result. If I coddle English then the world will end. If I'm too harsh he may suspect and take us all out before I can finish my plans.

I've recently come into contact with a very talented metallurgist by way of...increasing convolution. I get tired just thinking about all the social hoops I've undoubtedly jumped through. Hopefully Leijon will keep her distance in class while I'm in league with her boyfriend. To think, this whole thing being ruined by suspicions of cheating. I would laugh if it weren't such a large possibility.

Tomorrow I will approach English and ask about his new job. Maybe if I provide cookies he'll be more willing to sit and be probed at by me. Not that there's much probing left to do at this point. It's just a waiting game. I can feel the clock ticking in the back of my head whenever I look at him. It's hard not to be afraid when you know exactly what's coming your way. Lord, give me strength. 

I think my licorice stores are getting a bit low, I still need to keep up appearances. She better appreciate that I keep buying this stuff for her. She says she hates them and then eats fistfuls at a time. 

Goodness. This isn't meant to be a diary. Sorry about that. 

Signing Off  
Green Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have more time to devote to writing. I haven't forgotten my shameful vampire fic, don't worry. Anyways, I hope you've enjoyed this story so far! I can't wait to take y'all on a proper journey.


End file.
